


don't you ever tame your demons (but always keep 'em on a leash)

by orphan_account



Series: We Could Be Immortals [3]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: F/M, Fake AH Crew, I'll tag as I go, Immortal Fake AH Crew, M/M, Polyamory, gta verse, trans!Jack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-12 23:31:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5685799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Fake AH Crew need someone stealthy for their next big heist. But anyone they could use, their target already knows them. So they decide to hire an outsider. Turns out, the best person for stealth just so happens to be Sam. She accepts the offer, and that leads to a long list of events that almost makes her regret her decision. But gaining a family in the end isn't so bad, even if the majority of them are annoying little shits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title is inspired by Arsonist's Lullaby by Hozier. Which, that song is really meant for the Fake AH. And Sam. Just, really this entire AU.

_All you have is your fire_  
_And the place you need to reach_  
_Don't you ever tame your demons_  
_But always keep 'em on a leash_

-Arsonist's Lullaby, Hozier

* * *

 

 

Sam wondered just how she had managed to find herself in this situation. What choices had she decided to make, that led up to this?

The grip in her hair was painful, her scalp stinging. Her arm was bent behind her back, the gun in her hand easily wrestled from her grip. She struggled, baring her teeth in anger as the man’s strength was able to keep her in his hold. Sam brought her foot up and slammed the end of her heel into his foot, suddenly glad that she’d chosen to wear stilettos instead of wedges.

“Argh! You bitch!” Barnes shouted and the hold of her hair tightened even more so. He bent her over his desk, slamming her face into the wood. A cringe-worthy crunch sounded in the room and she was unable to hold back her shout of pain as her nose was broken.

Voices erupted from the hidden comm. in her ear, demanding to know what had happened and what was going on.

Oh. Yeah.

She decided to take a job offer from the Fake AH Crew.

 

_Two days earlier._

 

“How the hell did you guys even find out about it? I haven’t done a job in years.” Sam kept her arms crossed over her chest, frowning up at the man standing across from her. She refused to sit down, ready to bolt at any second.

Geoff didn’t miss a beat. “We have our ways.”

She rolled her eyes and glanced at the one member she didn’t meet last time she was face-to-face with the Fake crew. Vav, or Gavin, whichever he wanted to be referred to as while she was in their home. He was the one that was in charge of doing the hacking, one of the best actually. He was also an excellent negotiator, but that wasn't as widely known as his skills with tech. 

“So you guys found out. Doesn’t mean you can throw me into a van and bring me here to get me to do your dirty work. That isn’t how you make friends, y’know.” The back of her head still felt sore from how she had been slung inside and had hit the metal flooring. “Shouldn’t you have someone in one of your sub gangs that can do this?”

“Our target has already met them before. You’re a new face. They won’t suspect anything from you.” Jack spoke up, gaining Sam’s attention. “It was rumored that you were the best at this kind of stuff. How about you prove it?”

Damn. Sam could never resist a challenge. She _was_ the best at this sort of stuff, at least, she was back when she was working. “...Fine. What’s the pay?”

“Twenty thousand.” The guy they were targeting was a human trafficker, one of the big ones, so he had a lot of cash in his wallet. Geoff mainly wanted the guy, and his men, dead for the money, but taking down a trafficking ring was an added plus.

Sam hid her surprise. Twenty _thousand_ dollars. That could help her move into a less shitty apartment _and_  have rent paid for a few months. She could _really_  use the money. “Good enough. So how are we going to do this?”

Gavin, surprisingly, took the lead. “We need to get a layout of Barnes’ house first. There's no blueprint in his systems, so it's all on paper. He's hosting a party on Saturday, and he's inviting some high class people. Just so happens, Geoffrey here has gotten an invite.”

“But good ol’ Boss man isn't good at stealth, which is why you need me.” She finished off on assumption. Gavin nodded, and she let out a thoughtful hum. “So I'm guessing I'll be your date to the party. Any particular person you want me to be? Girlfriend, arm candy, favorite hooker?”

Geoff looked at Jack before responding. Their polyamorous relationship wasn't known by anyone outside of their gang, and Geoff generally played off as a womanizer to keep up appearances. “How well can you play as my girlfriend?”

Sam smirked. “Good enough. Give me a background, like how we met and how long we’ve been together, and I might even make your boy toys jealous.”

The crew stared at her in surprise. “They aren’t- we aren’t-”

Sam sighed and rolled her eyes. “You may fool everyone else, but I knew the moment I walked in here that there was a big orgy going on. Besides, it’s also logical. There’s not that many of us, so obviously we’re going to get together with each other.”

It was silent; nobody really knew what to say to having their closely guarded secret exposed. They couldn’t kill her and not worry about it, not when she was like them and would just get right back up.

The redheaded punk bit her lip as she realized that she _probably_ shouldn’t have exposed that she knew. She clapped her hands together and nodded, desperate to get out of the suddenly awkward situation she threw herself into. “Well, if that’s that… I’ll just, uh…. Go home now, I guess?” 

Geoff shook his head, the look of surprise on his face quickly fading. “No, no. We need to figure shit out. We can deal with...that later.” That being his and the Crew’s relationship.

“Seriously though, it’d be more believable if I was arm candy or a favorite hooker.” Sam said, setting her hands on her hips. “You’re known as a womanizer, it’s not likely that you, womanizer you anyways, would get a long-term girlfriend.”

“Okay… Not to be _rude_ , but-”

“I don’t look much like arm candy, I know. I'm basically a stereotypical dyke.” Sam grinned. “Don’t worry, I’m great when it comes to disguises. I can go back to my apartment and bring back my chest if you want me to, just to see if you want to pick a favorite look.”

Geoff waved a dismissive hand. “Nah, that’s a lot more effort than needed. Surprise me.”

Her smile turned mischievous, and he suddenly wondered if maybe he shouldn’t have said those two words.

“This is going to be fun.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To make it easier to understand what Sam is wearing, this is the [dress](http://www.fashionmute.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Backless-Cocktail-Dress.jpg), and [this](http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/37/55/3d/37553d5a4cf5ff2a3253711c4bd08a80.jpg) is the garter belt thing that will be mentioned. 
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy!

It took a while for Sam to get ready. Between bleaching her hair a platinum blonde color, putting on the face full of makeup, and getting into the dress that Geoff oh-so-kindly bought for her for this job, she was ready to take a nap. Instead of being her usual red headed self, that preferred skinny jeans and t-shirts and denim jackets, she was all glammed up. 

“The power of makeup is honestly terrifying,” she mumbled to herself, checking the mirror one last time. With some concealer and bronzer, it was like she’d managed to reshape her face. The lower the chances were of someone recognizing her, the better. Sam really had a thing for curls, so she’d braided her hair after getting out of the shower so it'd be wavy when dry. It was just barely long enough, having grown to her chin. 

The dress Geoff had bought definitely didn’t leave anything to the imagination. It was held on with two thin pieces of cloth going over her shoulder. Her left side was exposed to the world, along with the majority of her left leg. Seriously, how did Geoff expect her to keep herself armed with this thing…

Sam managed, though. She had to dig around in her closet for it, but she did have an old garter belt that doubled as a holster for small pistols and an extra clip. She pulled it up on her leg and slipped her favorite 9mm glock in it. Usually, she'd stuff a knife or two in her bra, but there was no bra to be worn with a backless dress. 

Wearing stilettos to an event like this would most likely end up killing her feet later, but damn did it make her legs look good. 

She grabbed a shawl just in case it got cold and left. Being all dressed up in an expensive dress and even more expensive jewelry didn't feel right when getting into her old junk of a car.  But she ignored it and drove to the Fake’s apartment, going over her cover story in her head as she drove. 

When she arrived and was buzzed in, nervousness started bubbling up in her stomach. It had been a while since she had last done an actual job, so she could only hope that she didn't screw it up. 

Steeling her nerves, she knocked on the door to the penthouse. The chatter inside that she could hear from the hallway dulled down to a low murmur. Sam put on her most seductive smile, wanting to mess with the Crew before they left, and waited.

It was Ray who opened the door, and his eyes went comically wide as he took in Sam's appearance. He quickly schooled his features and grinned. “Well, don't you clean up nicely.” He stepped aside and held the door open for her. “M’lady.” He teased and she rolled her eyes.

“Don't make me punch your pretty face, dude.” But she smiled back at him anyways, strutting inside like she was the best bitch in town. And for that night, she was. 

Geoff was ready to go, standing in an Armani suit. His hair was slicked back and his handlebar mustache was on point. He glanced up from where he was watching Jack fix his tie and smirked. “So I see the dress fits. Jack took a guess on your size.”

“I’d like to know just who picked it out. It's not very practical to hide weapons in.” Sam sighed, but smiled anyways. “You're lookin’ fresh, Boss. Nice choice on the suit.”

“You managed to hide some though, didn't you? Can't have my date walking around unprotected.” Sam had no doubt that he was hiding a weapon or two in the suit. 

Instead of verbally answering him, she pulled the dress up enough to show the garter. All three Lads let out wolf whistles as she did so, but she chose to ignore them. “Don't worry, Boss man. I can handle myself.” She let her dress fall back down, smiling at him. “Now, are you ready to go? I’d like to spend as little time in these heels as I need to.”

“If you don’t want to wear them, why did you?”

Sam glanced at Ray, who had spoken up. “Cause my legs look absolutely fantastic in them, that’s why. Beauty is pain, y’know? Just wait until after the event, then I’ll shove you into a pair and you can walk around for an hour or so.”

“I’d really not, but I also want to know what it’s like.”

“I’ll see if I have any platform booties, they’re a little more comfortable than regular heels. Especially these.  _ Anything _ is more comfortable than these.”   


Gavin finished up with what he was doing at the kitchen counter, where he had two laptops sitting out and on, and walked over to the ‘couple’. “Here, put these in your ears. This way, we can talk to you two while you’re at the charity event.” He held out two small communicators, and they each took one. Sam’s nose crinkled in distaste, but she stuck it in her ear anyways. 

“It was easy to tap into their security servers, so I’ll be watching through the cameras to make sure nobody is suspicious of you two. Ryan and Ray will be in the building next to the hotel, ready to help if needed. Jack, Michael, and I will stay here unless things go downhill.” Gavin explained for them before they left, walking back to his computers. They’d already gone over the plan once, but it wouldn’t hurt to go over it again.

“Alright. You ready to go, Boss man? Or are we going to sit here and chit chat some more?”

**.xXx.**

As they pulled up to parking, Sam decided to speak up about something. “Can we keep touch to a minimum? I’m very...touch aversive. I can deal with it, but if I can avoid it, I will.”

Geoff glanced at her and nodded. “Sure thing. Is it because of sensory issues, or? If you don’t mind me asking, that is.”

“I guess that could be  _ part _ of it. Having been burned at the stake a couple of times for supposed witchcraft does make one’s skin sensitive.” She ignored the look on his face at her admission. “It’s mainly just a thing I have with strangers.”

“Okay. You ready?” The car was shut off, but neither made a move to get out of the car yet.

Sam sighed and nodded. “Yep. Time to go talk to snooty, rich people.”

The second they walked into the room, Sam felt incredibly under dressed. Most of the women’s dressed went to their knees, some even touching the marble floors. She could feel eyes on her, from both men and women. It made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. “The plan is to  _ not _ stand out, Geoffrey, and yet I look like one of the sex workers you see on the side of the streets in Vinewood.”

“You look fine.” He argued, leading them further into the room. “Great, actually.”

Sam scanned the room, her grip on Geoff’s arm never loosening. “Who are all these people, anyways? Surely you must know some of them.”

“Oh, you know. Diplomats, businessmen, spies, politicians… You know, the usual people that show up to these kinds of events.” Many of the big time criminals that the Fake crew associated with doubled as businessmen or someone of importance on the human food chain. So while they attended, their target would walk around subtly offering people a deal on his more...dirty side of business.

“Yeah, usual people.” She scoffed, quickly plastering on a smile as someone began walking towards the two. “I’ve never been to something even remotely like this.” 

Geoff glanced at her before looking at the approaching stranger. He grinned and held out his hand to shake when the man got close enough. “Aiden! How are you, old friend?” 

Sam tuned out of the conversation, listening to the Lads arguing on the other side of the comm. link. That was definitely more interesting than the stocks that Geoff and Aiden were talking about. Gavin kept giving the other two a bunch of ‘Would you rather’s’ and ‘A million dollars, but’s’. 

“So, who’s your girl?” Aiden smirked at her, but she just smiled politely back at him.

Geoff decided to introduce her before Sam could even open her mouth. “Oh, this is my new personal assistant, Jodie. She’s only been working with me for two weeks, but I decided to bring her along anyways.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir.” She nodded, shaking his hand when he held his out. 

“Oh, the pleasure’s all mine.” Instead of shaking it, he pulled her hand up and kissed the back of it. She hid her discomfort and forced a flustered look on her face. 

“Well, aren’t you charming,” she smiled, a bit more flirty this time. 

Geoff move his arm from where it was looped around her’s, sliding his hand onto her waist. She inhaled sharply in surprise, but played along and move closer to him. “Stay away, Aiden. She’s mine.” Geoff joked, rubbing his thumb over the bare skin on her waist. Sam wanted nothing more than to move away, but kept up the act.

“Whatever you say, Ramsey. Whatever you say…” Aiden smirked, the looking sending shivers down her spine. He took it as something good and winked at Sam before leaving the two to go mingle with someone else.

“I swear to god, I will  _ rip off your hand _ if you do not remove it from my waist, Geoffrey.” Sam snapped under her breath, keeping the smile on her face. His eyes widened, barely noticeable to anyone not watching them, and let his arm from to his side.

“ _Sammy’s gettin’ a little feisty._ ” Michael laughed, and she had to bite back a retort. Damn it, and he knew that she couldn’t respond.

Sam caught a man at the tables for food and drink watching her, recognizing it as their target. He smiled when they locked eyes, raising the glass in his hand at her. Taking a deep breath, she smiled back at him and turned to Geoff. “I’m going to get a drink. You go and mingle with your business partners.” 

Geoff glanced at the drinks table and saw their mark as well. “Alright. Don’t drink too much, dear.” 

She rolled her eyes and turned on her heel, walking over to the tables. She purposely put a little more sway to her hips as she walked, choosing a seductive tactic to get what they wanted. The gun on her thigh felt heavier and heavier with each step, but she ignored it.

“So, you must be Ramsey’s new PA.” He greeted, picking up a glass of champagne and handing it to her. She smiled in thanks and took a sip.

“Word travels fast, huh?” Was Geoff getting a new assistant really that much of a conversation piece? 

“Considering he almost never has an assistant, yes. Everyone in here wants to know who you are, Jodie.” He grinned, gesturing to the room around them. Well that answered her silent question.

“I could say the same for you, sir. Mr. Ramsey didn’t think to tell me who’s event we were going to.” She lied, taking a sip of her drink. She barely held back from spitting it in the glance. God, she hated alcohol. Even though champagne could barely be considered alcohol.

“Of course he didn’t. I’m surprised you haven’t heard of me, actually. Austin Barnes ring any bells?” He smirked, watching the surprise flash across her face.

“Oh! I was wondering why you looked familiar.” She held out her free hand for him to shake. “It’s a pleasure, Mr. Barnes. I love your work.” She’d never bothered to watch any, but he was in a few popular indie films. It made as a great cover up. He most likely didn’t do his own work, with his identity being so public and all.

He shook her hand, but didn’t drop it. His thumb ran over the top of her hand in a steady rhythm. She swallowed, trying not to pull her hand from his. He glanced over his shoulder, where Geoff was busy talking to a group of politicians. “We could go up to my suite and I could show you a scene or two from an upcoming movie. You do look like a film enthusiast, I’m sure you’d love it.”

“Mr. Ramsey might notice that I’m missing, though.” She tried to reject the idea, without really  _ rejecting  _ it. Barnes shook his head and discreetly pointed to where he was. 

Sam turned and saw Geoff with a small crowd of women around him, all trying to flirt with him. She rolled her eyes and turned back to Barnes.

“I’m sure that he won’t notice you missing for fifteen minutes or so.” He persuaded, dropping his hand.

Sam sighed and smiled at him. “Fine. If you think we can sneak out of here, Mr. Barnes.” 

Austin smirked in triumph and put his hand on the small of her back, leading her away from the tables. “Don’t worry your pretty little head, Jodie. We’ll be gone and back before anyone notices.”

She highly doubted that.

**Author's Note:**

> Woah, I'm not dead!! Writer's block popped up out of nowhere and kicked my ass. Always does with the first chapter of things I want to start. Blehhh. Please excuse the shitty start. Even after three years of writing, I can't write first chapters for nothing. But now I can get this fic going. I know what I want to do, I know where I want to take it, it all just depends on how often I can't write.


End file.
